AKA a tepid creature feature rehash that left me bored, annoyed and surprised – surprised that it got an 82% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a 75% audience score. I was also left with a bitter aftertaste of confusion – how did the same guy behind the fantastic ‘Don’t Breathe’ have made this forgettable frolic into a Florida hurricane.
2/5 Screams
MATURE CONTENT AND SPOILERS AHEAD:
I had high hopes for this summer alligator romp, having loved Sam Raimi’s first delve into the mysterious world of gritty, postmodern psychological horror. But, I was already doubtful about how captivating it was going to prove to be because it seemed to give every single important event in the story line away in the bloody trailer. And I mean everything.
For those of you unfamiliar, this film follows a young woman called Hayley – we learn she is a struggling child swimming prodigy, lazy foreshadowing if you ask me, along with ‘apex predator’, wince – who tries to track down her father in amongst a vicious Florida storm. She tries to find her Dad as her street floods and suddenly alligators have infested their crawl space. The next 87 minutes are just man vs predator. There’s no real intelligence to their survival, no passion seemed to be injected into this project. It came across as if the producers and creators were themselves bored whilst making it.
Side note: Kaya Scloderio really doesn’t suite blonde. The whole film lacks pzazz, creativity and inspiration. There’s no real gore nor jump scares. The CGI is pretty good but the alligators are just hurdles, minor bumps in this pointless story. There’s barely even any characterisation or connection with the father and daughter – they could have done so much with that relationship and tugged at the heartstrings, but they didn’t. They just made them somewhat estranged and aw now they’re all patched up, I mean he had to lose an arm for that but okay.
The attention to detail wasn’t even very good, for example: she would have winced when lowering her very injured leg into the water. And her CPR on her dad at the end is far too fast. Honestly, the scariest part of this film is the horde of spiders crawling – ha, double meaning – all over her face. Nope, nope. My worst nightmare – give me hungry ‘gators any day. The deaths such as Wayne don’t rouse any reaction from the audience because, you guessed it, we’ve seen it all in the trailers. Her arm being bitten? In the trailer. Wayne’s death? In the trailer. Baby gators? You get the picture. Her trapped in the shower with a gator? In the trailer. I could go on.
My lasting impression once the credits rolled to the hilarious ‘See ya’ later alligator’ was that this film was a waste of time, good thing it was short. And…I really have nothing else to say because this film as so bland it was like Rivita crackers trying to be bruschetta. Sorry, Raimi – try better next time. My question for you guys is: would you rather be trapped in a house with a blind, serial killing psycho (all I have to say is turkey baster… yuck) OR trapped in a rapidly flooding house with a group of alligators hunting you? Let me know in the comments below:))
AKA A lot, and I mean a bag load of, WTF moments. Spurting blood from every angle and every oriphice, this film is a work of art in the shock for shock’s sake factor department, to an extent that it makes this film very funny yet so disconcerting too. I’m still trying to boggle my brain about what this film was trying to convey.
3.5/5 screams.
SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:
Hello again friends, foes and figments of my imagination. It’s been a while. I finally have my trusty laptop back, and BOY do I have some reviews coming at you. I was hit, like a bird in the sky flying over a large estate house, with a horrid stomach virus and so had a week of watching horror films (as well as a vast number of Netflix shows). It’s been a productive week…ha. But the silver lining is that I have notes for the next five reviews coming at you so yay for my sickly, tired noggin’.
Anyways, let’s delve head first into some serious J-body horror to take our minds off of Brexit, shall we? The dawn of October is nearly upon us and you know what that means, sweets galore and gore galore. I’m actually not a big Halloween fan…I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s an American, pointless import to support commercialisation. BUT I do love eating some weirdly wrapped sweets, turning down the lights, watching a shit tonne of horror movies and getting no judgement for it – people seem to judge me when I’m watching Craven or Kronenberg or James Caan or Tom Six in July. In October, we can get our freak on!
Right off of the bat the opening is odd, it just feels uncomfortable for seemingly unattainable reasons. The backstory is shown well, not forced but also easy enough to understand motives and exposition early on in the narrative. I also enjoyed the camera lingerings on the faces, it adds to the uncomfortable atmosphere. And, damn, if you think the mood and tone are the most uncomfortable things about this film just you wait, just…you…wait. Actually, no, I take that back – don’t destroy your night’s sleep with girls with teeth for nipples, men with pipes for eyes, girls slicing and slicing their own arms (oh, yes, they went there – I’ll get to that!), enough blood spurting out of cut off limbs to last you a lifetime. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Self-harm. We need to talk about self-harm in this movie. I said I’d get to it. Self-harm is an incredibly serious, sensitive and personal problem that affects an awful lot of young people, children, adults and even older adults. It is stigmatised in the media and by word of mouth (not aided by psychiatric reports from the 90’s etc.) and this meant that it is known as a method to gain attention. Whilst this may be true with some people, it is definitely not the general consensus. I don’t mind films dealing with sensitive topics such as this but they have to do it in a manner that respects the issue – this film did the complete opposite. There are scenes of the girl slashing and slashing repeatedly at her own, scarred arm and wrist. It is gruesome, fairly realistic and f***ing unnecessary! It was made in 2008 for Christ’s sake, not the 80’s or 90’s where I could give them a bit of slack for misunderstanding being even worse in those days. I would rate this film so much higher if it weren’t for this issue! Bloody hell film makers, if you’re going there go there with style and pathos and awareness and maybe, even, a little bit of humanity.
Phew, sorry about that tangent. Back to this splatter fest. The overall feel of this film was like Robocop meets the Texas chainsaw massacre meets Brain Dead. It’s a fascinating premise and, in my opinion, actually does a fairly good job of speaking about technology and power, morality and motor, rational and robot. Whether this was the main drive for the, admittedly twisted, writer I don’t know. I haven’t researched the matter because, frankly I need to spend the rest of my night (home alone) looking at puppy videos to cleanse myself of far too much shock-horror. For those of you who don’t know, this, urm, special movie is a body horror slash sci-fi action feast of flesh, the love child of ‘The Fly’ and ‘Kill Bill’ is one way to view it. It follows a policewoman in a futuristic, dystopian version of Tokyo where injuries miraculously become weapons. Yes, weapons. Due to genetic experimentation – it’s always down to shit like this, please guys in the white coats I know we’re all curious as kittens but, please, do us a solid and stop messing with our genomes. Otherwise, well, stuff like this happens. The privitised policeforce hunt down the ‘engineers’ who are a special breed of evil (the ones who grow weapons). And that’s pretty much it for plot, besides Yoshihiro’s revenge mission against the assassin who killed her father. But this film isn’t about plot. It doesn’t need to be. It’s honest and raw about what it is – a shocking, humorous delve into the Lovecraftian extremes of merging with technology. The line where human advancement halts and malfunctioning hybrids begin. I was curious about what the key shaped tumours could mean symbolically, a key to knowledge, opening doors – technology opens doors, contains wisdom, there are secretive and speculative parts of tech. Maybe it is just a simple key and I need to stop going full ‘English degree’ on it.
The film is rife with little nods to dystopian fiction in general – repetitions of slogans and advertisements like in George Orwell’s seminal ‘1984’, this film has its own type of newspeak and a focus on commercialisation being the death of morality and even the death of rationality. Despite the grotesque nature of this odd little film, it’s impossible to stop watching. You instinctively want to see the next awful, stomach-churning hybrid that these whacko designers came up with. I must admit that the strange, gimp-mask-wrapped, ‘pet’ with machetes for limbs is excellently designed, beautiful in this horrible way that I don’t want to look into any further.
The sex scene is creepy. Got to love the fetishism of innocence. The bottles with the blood spurting into them instead of out of the body is oddly effective. Creepy yet intriguing. The imagery throughout is that concoction, to be honest. Mysterious enough to peak your interest but disgusting enough to make your make strange faces whilst watching it. The ‘Heaven’s Punishment’ necklace is pretty evocative in itself. The music is also a fantastic part of this film’s tension.
One of my particular favourite notes I made whilst watching this: ‘Um, what? Why is he peeling off his own scalp and turning himself into a fountain?’. Haha. Also, this film centres around humans who can instantly grow metal from injuries, out of nowhere, and yet their mobile phones look like they’re from the late 80’s. A part of me thought this may be intentional, some contrast to the advancements. Then again, it’s probably me overthinking again. Oops. Occupational hazard of, well, being alive.
Surrealism is a large part of this film. In visuals, in sounds, in logic. Logic is a dirty tissue thrown out of the window in this mess of organs, tin and (very lightly coloured) blood fountains. The dialogue is actually the most bewildering part of this film for me personally, it’s nonsensical and commercial and intentionally antagonistic. It’s almost assaulting. The ‘Remote Control Exterminate’ is hilarious, I just had to put that somewhere in this review. The dialogue even shifts to poetry in some parts, ‘the snow of death falls and accumulates.’ The overhead voices singing bizarre sentences that would make Edward Lear jealous – ‘Older brother licked me so my eye has a sty’. *Shudders*. Seriously, how much acid were the writers on?
You do have to hand it to the design team, the make-up department, the amount of hours sat in chairs having gruesome body mods plastered all over you. Back to the creatures, the scene that had me saying ‘what?’ the most was the half human half chair – yes, you did read that correctly – pissing on strangers, followed swiftly by a girl with teeth for nipples biting a man’s penis off. You see the crudely amputated penis just kinda flop on the floor. It’s bound to make most men wince and cross their legs. And, just in case it doesn’t, they’re a second penis amputation scene. Two for one. I personally thought it was hilarious. There’s some serious girl power in this movie. Another very integral part of this film is its cultural heritage – anime esc. production and bizarre scenes such as a girl with alligator jaws for a vagina, of course – only in Japan, folks, only in Japan.
Overall this film is assaulting, strange, funny, bewildering, metaphorical and intriguing. A fun film – if you enjoy bizarre body horror – with some important underlying messages. I enjoyed it, I got cross with it, I laughed with it. Just watch it and you’ll understand why it’s actually rather hard to summarise in a few sentences. Go watch it and you’ll understand. Or save yourself a headache and don’t. Your move, boss.
AKA a boring film with a boring premise, boring characters and…nope, f**k this, I’m too bored to even write a witty intro. 0.5/5 Screams.
MATURE CONTENT & SPOILERS AHEAD
Oh, Netflix, what would I do without your constant influx of mediocre-at-best horrors? Hello, all, happy end of Summer (it won’t stop bloody raining here). I’ve been MIA due to my laptop kicking the proverbial bucket, twice just to toy with me. We can take a moment of silence later.
Due to the premature departure of my Lenovo, I had the joy of watching this trashy film on the 2×4 screen of my phone. But, honestly, I’m unsure a high definition seventy inch would make this film any better to experience. It’s lazy, uninventive and poorly conceived. The main thing that deeply just pissed me off about this movie is that it’s been done one hundred trillion times, there is no credibility and nothing new. It’s just yet another identical teen slasher. This begs the question…what the bloody hell is the point? What is the point in rehashing every other sub-par teen scream that doesn’t even bother to make the gore worth staying for. What a waste of money.
Speaking of unoriginal content, within the first three minutes of the first scene we’re hit with our first cliche. Really I should have spent the duration of this film just counting the cliches. ‘It’s not funny’, I feel like I should have tried to play teen scream bingo dialogue, why do these teens always come across so hard done by and thus are made to seem superficial in their emotions. I hate it when all films do this, utilise stereotypes about adolescents in order to somehow diminish their status or intellectual worth. And, of course, the bloody nursery rhyme whistling. At least this scene had the advantage of being so early on that I had hopes it could translate into some meta-commentary which – it didn’t. Or if it did it was used as a poorly constructed excuse for why this film suckssssssssss.
other first impressions: !!! The lighting is so dark, the saturation needs to be hella turned up ladies and gents !!! Boredddd !!! No real gore, no interesting foreshadowing and sluggish, dull tension building !!! Is that the girl from S3 of ‘Thirteen Reason Why?’ … nope, never mind. !!! The young girl looks like Naomi Campbell pre-botulism !!! A very easy watch, if it manages to grab your attention for five minutes then congratulations, you have the attention span of a fruit fly with narcolepsy. !!! The villain’s mask is fairly eerie, I’ll give them that
‘Pop goes the weasel’…lucky bastard, shoot me too. Seriously, writers? Three hetero-normative couples? At least killing off the love interest first was an interesting choice and the final girl being alone on the ride compared to the two couples is relateable on a deep level. It says a fair amount about the film that I got past the halfway mark and knew one out of five of the protagonists’ names. Also, why the heck make this film an 18 certificate? There’s hardly any gore or violence, the ennuculation scene was the only real piece of gore. Surely the only thing to strive for with this sort of B horror flick is to make it bloody, make it stupid and light, make it the kind of gross, ‘Wizard of Gore’ shit that preteens watch on Halloween. But this doesn’t even bother to do that! It somehow manages to completely ignore all the audience brackets it should be marketing to.
Main character: “We’re going to Spain!” ha, ha, haha – Nah, baby, you ain’t. At the worst you’;; becomes a very maroon ice cream sundae and at the best you’re going to need some serious therapy. I do like the hair drying scene though.
Lastly, before I go cry into a pillow that this was an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back, even the continuity in this film is shite. When the MC is on the toilet and the camera cuts from bird’s eye view to something else, then back again. One frame shows that the toilet paper holder has paper on it, the next shows and empty roll. Boooo. Plus she doesn’t even pee whilst on the toilet, got a UTI, hunny?
AKA a very stupid, yet perversely enjoyable celebration of zombies and Britishness. Although it is basically a shitter version of ‘Shaun of the Dead’. 2.5/5 screams.
SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:
Here we are, the last horror comedy I’ll be reviewing for, hopefully, a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed changing the sort of horrors that I instinctively punt for; but I have predominantly been reminded about why I never had much time for this sub-genre. In my experience, they seem to try to hard yet somehow, paradoxically, be underdeveloped and steer more towards yawn-fests than straight up, shaken not stirred, horrors or comedies.
But that’s by the by. This Matthias Hoene, boisterous zombie flick basically does what it says on the tin and never seems to extend any higher than the material used in the trailer. The laughs certainly don’t seem to surpass then scene involving Richard Briars’ character – oh, how the mighty have fallen – utilising only a slow moving zimmerframe to evade the bloodthirsty undead. Granted, this scene was comedy gold but lost all the magic and spontaneity necessary for such a sketch to really hit the high notes because it was such a focal hook in the trailer. That, an aged Pussy Galore and a spirited Michelle Ryan are the main titbits that grab you from the trailer. That may be one of the best sentences that has ever left my noggin’. Also, Pussy Galore in a zombie movie? Is this something I, unknowingly, desperately needed in my life?
A few tangents later, we’ll get into some tangible points that I actually made notes on. Eventually. I was, ignoring my better instincts, quite excited about this film (I know I say that a lot, for a cynic). Despite the fact that it has been staring at me from the abyss that is Netflix for several years. But I was excited for a gritty, exuberant and unflinchingly British, zombie horror that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Granted, this is exactly what I got – I suppose some points should be handed to it for living up to expectations. The sad thing is that it could have been so much more if it hadn’t been lazy about it, It could easily have ranked up there with ‘Zombieland’ and ‘Shaun of the Dead’. yet it does fall short, primarily because, well, it’s not that funny.
She is pretty badass, you have to admit.
The premise is simple. A group of Cockney runarounds attempt a pretty amateur bank robbery which happens to coincide with the collapse of the East End as it fills up with animated corpses. Corpses that still seem to maintain gang mentalities and football hooliganry… why not? I did appreciate that some of the zombies were little more than disintegrating skeletons. It’s a big pet peeve of mine that so many zombie blockbusters have these plump, human-looking cadavers despite the natural processes that would disrupt their physicality such as starvation, muscle deterioration, lack of blood supply etc. (Although – these are new zombies so i’m unsure how much dystrophy would actually have taken place. Frankly, if we’re going super scientific – if rigor mortis were setting in…how are they moving? And, now my head explodes). Moving swiftly on before I have an aneurysm, these sorts of zombies are less intimidating than the fleshy, quick boys and gals but there is more of a hint of realism about the decomposition which I appreciate. This decaying subgroup hark back to the sort of 80’s cult walkers like in ‘Return of the Living Dead’.
I did really enjoy the gore in this film, it was effective without being corny, overtly grotesque nor laughable. My only problem with it is that, I think, there should have been more focus on the gore. Seeing as the film itself is self-awarely pretty low budget and low quality therefore I think it could have benefited from being more visceral, more intuitive and grittier. One aspect I think that nailed the plucky and mettlesome tone is the dialogue. The writers did a bang up job making the dialogue humorously hyperbolic yet still maintain an interesting cultural integrity that I liked. Screw the idea of swish Brits with RP accents, sipping tea out of bone china cups with extended pinkies! You want to know what England is really like? This! Intense swearing, twats in backwards caps, drunken shouting in pubs that always seem to have at least one old ‘geezer’ sat at the bar, sounding like an incoherent farmer. Oh and an awful lot of ripping the living shit out of each other (pun very much intended). Really, take a few lines for example: ‘You yuppy twat’, ‘let’s fuck up some fuckers’. Welcome to London, ‘fuckers’.
I found a lot of the nuances funnier than the outright mayhem, like how rapidly and calmly they accept that it’s a friggin’ zombie apocalypse. I think it’s take me a few more minutes to adjust. One other stand out scene that was pretty entertaining is how the jaw of the zombie just locks onto the man’s arm like a decapitated pitbull. Strangely, details like this are biologically fairly realistic but then there are bits and bobs that are so far away from any sense of realism that they may as well be the love children of Tinkerbell and Freddie Kruger. For example, unless you’ve somehow slipped into a Kronenberg creature feature, it would never be possible to decapitate somebody with your bare hands.
Final notes: Moral of the story = Guns are great, kids! also…can we just mentioned the fact that the guy drop kicks a baby. You…ugh, don’t see that everyday?
I’ll just leave this here…
Overall, I guess the easiest summary for me to put forward is that it’s a bit of fun. Don’t take it too seriously, don’t expect it to forever change you with some existential reason for being. It’s exactly what you should expect from it – it’s Cockneys and zombies. Bish bash bosh. Now, don’t you want to book your holidays to come see drizzly ole’ England? You don’t? Huh.
AKA a ‘Little’ bit boring. Evil? Really? He’s like a frigging puppy at the end. And…and…and this film got 92% on Rotten Tomatoes?…I just…what? 1.25/5 screams
SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:
I had somewhat high hopes for this movie. I remember it being released and the trailer looked promising, but it has sat in my ‘WatchList’ for over two years so, read into that what you will about the premise and the trailer. Honestly, anything was going to be better than the 9 minutes we gave ‘Scary Movie 3’ which was utterly, holy, yawnably (is that a word?) crap. Just pure crap. So anything, anything had to be better….right?
First impressions: the parallels in both the colour schemes and the dialogue are initially pretty interesting. For example; the mother shouting “Time out” and the husband latterly stating “I want a divorce”. Both of these statements have huge impact behind them, yet they’re stoic, to the point, blunt – short sentences with fists behind them. I thought this was clever. Moreover, the colour schemes were very well thought out – visually pleasing. Dark at the start, bright and cheerful afterwards. Everybody’s clothes are plain, unadulterated. There’s something eerie about that, to be honest. Maybe that’s just me. Lucas, throughout the film, is coloured darker than everyone around him. Whether it’s clothing, clouds behind him etc. This sort of breaks when he’s at the fair with the step-dad. Even his eyes seem brighter, thus by comparison the beginning looks far darker than you think.
Seeing
Adam Scott being genuine and not saying something sarcastic and deadpan is
strange, I keep expecting there to be a punchline but that expectation never
really comes because this film, frankly, is not funny.
The
shift in pacing every now and then is effectively jarring.
Quotes that did make me laugh: ~ “I just love the smell of an old nunnery” ~“God never gives you more than you can handle” ~ NO NO NO, I cannot stand this quote – Just, no, I’m sorry if you put this in your film with serious intentions I will hate it. -_- ~ The therapist is hilariously accurate: “I see…Hmm” ~ also the Newton’s cradle is very effective for building the tension. ~ “The way they’re paying teachers these days i’m not surprised”
There
are little meta hints of connections to ‘The Omen’, ‘The Shining’,
‘Poltergeist’ and, I think (please correct me) ‘The DaVinci Code’. You get
points if you can tell me the links between these films and ‘Little Evil’ are.
-The Omen: Lucas’ hair and clothing, the camera focuses sometimes, direct eye
contact.
-The Shining: the two (blonde) twins in blue dresses, the puppet seems to be a
variation on Tony
-Poltergeist: communication through the TV – darkness except from static, focus
on clowns
-The DaVinci Code: The man lacerating himself with a whip ~ self-flagellation
The
worm scene was pretty gross, I’ll give the film that. Question: Why the hell is
there a fully operational bar at a children’s sixth birthday party? I know
kid’s parties suck but jesus, at least hide it in a water bottle of sumthin!
“Want to play?” did make me jump. But the humour throughout the
film is very hit and miss, almost like it was added at the last minute – they
just thought about ripping of somebody else’s story but adding a few shitty
comedy scenes. Also, the wife is sooo dumb.
My
overall impression: boring, so boring I was just waiting for it to end. Eek,
sorry Rotten Tomatoes – we’ll have to agree to disagree!
So,
i’m leaving horror-comedies alone for the time being (after I publish my review
of ‘Cockney’s Vs Zombies’) phew! What binge should I do next? Let me know what
you think in the comments or tweet me! I like a good twittering.
AKA me being somewhat befuddled by how much I love this movie.
3.5/5 Screams SPOILERS AHEAD
Hello fellow ghouls. Despite this blog being more for my benefit than anyone else’s, I’ll apologise (again, oops) for neglecting this blog lately. It’s been half because of my novel and half because of the gorgeous heatwave hitting drizzly ole’ Britain at the moment – I’ve been relishing every second of it.
Funnily enough, I have actually watched and made notes on about five or six horrors over the past weeks but just haven’t got around to writing them up. So, today – ignoring the sunshine beckoning me through my window – I thought i’d choose one. I decided to do a re-watch review because sometimes watching these films multiple times, you really do both watch and internalise them all very differently each time and notice bits and pieces that otherwise go over your head.
For today’s post, I chose a film that I discovered about eight months or so ago. I was bored one evening and was scrolling through Amazon prime, I found this movie – watched the trailer, realised it looked fairly low budget and perhaps a bit trashy but it was evidently very – aesthetically and tonally – British and sometimes I love me a good movie with OTT Britishness involved. The first time I watched it, I fell in love with it. I’m unsure why exactly, the make-up isn’t very good, the acting is varied, the storyline is basic and patchy and the ending is pretty annoying. For all intents and purposes this film should not work, yet it so indulgent, so claustrophobic and so stupidly enjoyable. No surprise that it has this oppressive and cramped atmosphere exists in this movie, seeing as it comes from the creator of ‘The Descent’ which is a fantastic movie. Knowing this, you can see the parallels between the two films – both playing on the natural, human survival instincts and fears of being trapped in confined spaces with no escape. It actually reminds me of ‘Train to Busan’ in some ways, although that is one of my all time favourite zombie movies and it starkly better than this film in many ways.
Let me take on the ride through the narrative – i’m very sorry for that pun, I can do better. We follow a train conductor in England on a night train with a handful of passengers, most of whom aren’t particularly likeable or explored much before they’re picked off one by one by a horde of werewolves. That’s it. A thirteen year old could write that synopsis. So why does this film work so well? Because it’s very self-aware, it knows that it’s corny and a guilty pleasure and runs with it. If it was trying to be something it very clearly isn’t then it almost definitely would not work as well as it does.
For some reason, don’t judge me, I have a crush on most of the characters (besides the old couple, obviously) and I have no idea why. One is actually, oddly, the spitting image of my favourite university lecturer. Maybe that’s why I fancy him – no shame. Anyway, I digress. In the beginning there seems to be a strange reliance of casual workplace sexism and harassment just to move the plot forwards and i’m unsure how I feel about that. Also early on, there’s a comical foreshadowing with the dog under the seat and, admittedly, even after having seen it before, it still made me jump. I’m losing my touch. The tone and dialogue is very heavy on the realism and I appreciate this, it makes it both more relatable – who doesn’t know the frustration of being stuck on a late night train? – and easier to get lost in. The full moon at the beginning makes me smirk, got to love a nicely implanted cliche, am I right? I also think it’s pretty clever to make the driver seem kind and likeable in only one line of dialogue before killing him off to grab the best effect.
BUT, and here comes the fun bit – ripping a film I love to shreds, there are a fair few plot holes in this film. First of all, surely the conductors have radio connections back to traffic controllers and security? Would they not somehow figure out how to call for help? The make-up really is s**t, the werewolf on the poster is better than the actual design. Granted the gore is pretty decent but you just can’t look at the werewolves without a little giggle. Even their claws are stupid looking. Thirdly, what on earth was that toilet cubicle made from? Cardboard? The dialogue was also much cheesier on the second watch than I remembered it being first time round. Moreover, I watched this again with my Dad, and it says little for the writing that he guessed everything before it happened – I suppose it’s objectively more predictable than I thought. A couple of last things: Matt’s death is fundamentally stupid, Jenny’s movements when she transitions are hilarious, the female conductor barely even jogs away from the forest at the end despite Joe having just offed himself for her survival. And, I saved the biggest for last, how on any level of horror existence, folklore or mythical tales are these werewolves STILL werewolves when the full moon disappears and morning comes around. Is this some new strain of werewolfism (is that a word? It should be)?
A few last notes on this strangely entertaining and replayable film: some of the triggers to move the plot along are very obvious. Take the first death of the central characters for example, the girl with no name – side note: good decision to not give her a name, it certainly added some pathos where otherwise you wouldn’t really care that she’s dead cause she was annoying af – it’s fairly blatant that she’ll die first, as she is shown bonding with blondie shortly beforehand and, sure this could just be some final attempts at connection before they all bite the bullet (told you my puns would get better) but it’s short and when she gets dragged from the vestibule you kind of think to yourself ‘oh, that’s why’. Another side note: Wow do they love overkill in this movie. Like, Jesus – calm down you little psychopaths, it’s dead as a dodo. Most of the deaths are okay, until the ending where they all seem to be rushed and meh – except from when cheating-McDickface boots blondie from the carriage to buy himself time, I will never forgive him for that (even if I do find him very attractive, don’t even ask). She had a little daughter you absolute scumbag. Also, poor Zach or whatever his name was – he was a good cookie. Finally, Joe really doesn’t get enough credit in this film. He literally sacrifices himself for somebody he barely has more than a crush on, it also helps that Ed Speleer’s acting is pretty darn good.
Funnily enough, this film gained a 62% on Rotten Tomatoes yet really did not go down well with fans. Personally, I recommend this film if you’re bored, want a fun ride without having to concentrate or worry too much about caring for the characters. Indulge in the utter Britishness of it and don’t try to make it anything that it isn’t, is my advice. I wonder whether it would have the same appeal to other nations because the aesthetics and humour might not translate across cultures. Have you seen this flick anywhere outside of the UK? How did you respond to it?
AKA a run of the mill teen scream, annoying, (secretly) enjoyable and annoying – oh, I already said annoying? Exactly.
1.5/5 Screams
SPOILERS AHEAD!!
Hello strangers, first of all I have to say a very big, scary SORRY. I’ve been a terrible blogger lately and my only excuse for being MIA for the past few weeks is that I’ve been immersed in writing my novel which I have, finally, cracked. So It’s been all about the book and so blogging had to take a back seat. But, in between planning and plotting and scribbling, I did have time to watch three horrors. So, without further adieu, here’s the first.
Looking back at the notes I made on this 2018 horror is pretty amusing, I wrote ‘Oh, come on!’ and ‘What?’ multiple times. In CAPS LOCK, no less – so ya know I was really unimpressed.
I’d seen the trailer for this one several times as it was fairly intensely marketed as the new big one to see in the cinemas. The trailer had stuck it in my brain but without any lasting impression, apart from the plastic-lined, stretched out grins that reminded me of the masks in ‘The Purge’.
The beginning is intriguing, nothing remarkable nor terrifying, cliche jump scares and predictable violence. Basically, it starts like any run of the mill teen scream. One of the first things that struck me was the milking of the selfie culture in this film. It’s infuriating and, if anything, conveys the target audience as pretty young preteens. I suppose this film would be okay as a first watch, an initiation into the horror scene for thirteen year olds, but not for people who can identify any tropes or classic scenes that are common in horror. Not to mention the fact that these characters act like they’re fifteen or so, highschoolers at the most, rather than university students – not that i’m saying all university students are the epitome of maturity. Believe me when I tell you that that’s far from the truth. But the characters in this flick would definitely have suited a senior school setting more than university. Especially as the cheap jump scares really are just that, cheap and foreseeable.
Another note that, looking back makes me laugh as i’m so picky, is that some of the exposition and backstory are just lazily implanted into the film. For example, we find out that the protagonist’s best friend’s dad committed suicide through the line (from what I can remember) ‘since dad killed himself’ or something of the sort. This is just unrealistic dialogue, the characters know how he died; the only reason to be mentioning it in that way is to tell the audience. Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s almost as bad as going: ‘Oh yeah, i’ve been feeling really terrible since dad died of complications from puerperal fever from the…….’. Ugh. Read your dialogue back people!!!
One thing I was curious about in this film is what its point is. Is this just a synthetic, cheap Halloween watch or is there a larger theme? I thought perhaps the whole thing could be an allegory for peer pressure but that may be my English student over-analysis!?!?
Another stand alone note that made me laugh in my notebook: ‘Neck break = Lol but good’. My bullet points are very eloquent, right? Who did the bloody dialogue again – ‘I looked like a Snapchat filter’. Seriously? Again, they’re talking like children. It’s infuriating and because they’re such bland characters you don’t actually care when any of them kick the bucket, thus rendering the entire film emotionally uninteresting and severing any connection with the audience that’s more powerful than ‘Oh, look – he snapped his neck on a pool table. Shame’. Another bone I have to pick with this film is less to do with this film in particular and more to do with the entire sub-genre of teen screams. Specifically, the gaslighting involved. The classic is the main character realises there’s some supernatural forces at work or a serial killer on the loose and everyone around her makes her/him feel like they’re going insane and it’s all in their head. And, quite honestly, this trope is neither effective nor appropriate anymore. It’s just dull and, not to get on my feminism high horse or anything, but this tends to happen to female MC’s more than male. Just my humble opinion.
My second high horse to clamber up onto is to do with the way Penelope’s character is explored, she’s referred to as ‘day-drinking Penelope’. STOP USING ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH AS A LAUGHING POINT! Jeesh, this does my head in in these movies. It’s one thing to romanticise binge drinking and recreational drug abuse but to actively use it as a comedic character arc without exploring it any further than the surface is another. Please, directors and writers, just stop using these serious issues as comedy.
Moreover, the characterisation in general is just meh. None of them are likeable, interesting or more than just obvious cliches. Marki (also, who the hell is called Mar-k-i?) is selfish, Olivia is nothingy and bland etc. And realism is shoved aside with the dust and the lint, for example – nobody would be able to talk even somewhat rationally after over a litre of vodka downed like water. Her death is also infuriating. One plus, this film has a surprisingly okay sex scene – despite the fact that Lukas literally tells Olivia he doesn’t love her whilst he’s still inside, I mean…wow – for what is otherwise a seemingly PG13+ movie.
Final point: Sky Cinema rated this movie 1.5/5 stars and I can seriously see why. The ending was just like the rest of the movie, obvious, unintelligent, easy; leaving me exclaiming to my dog, ‘Oh for f’s sake, come on!’.
AKA Sharing the book where I write down horror movies I hear about, want to watch or loved. Including ratings on the ones i’ve seen so far.
Yes, yes – I know what you’re thinking. I’m singing it too…
Happy weekend to all ghouls, ghosts and primordial blobs reading this. I hope that, if you’re in Europe, you’re all enjoying this scorching weather! If you can, stop reading this and get yourself to a beach whilst it lasts. Knowing the UK it’ll probably hail tomorrow just to even things out, you never know. This week’s post is going to be all about lists. A few years ago – when my adoration for all things horror began – I started a notebook (I have notebooks for most things, I’m that kind of person) in which I started writing all the horror movies I researched, watched, heard about, loved etc. It started after I began researching lists on YouTube, like The Most Banned and Disturbing Horrors, My favourite horrors, Best French Extremist Films and realised I would always forget the ones I found out about. So I did, in one place. And since then I always write down classics I haven’t yet watched, films by new favourite directors etc. So, here I pass on the proverbial torch. Almost like i’m giving you my little black book of people i’ve dated…although, that actually would contain just as much horror. *Symbols*
Here it is in all it’s understated glory!
Some Housekeeping: -I apologise for how many classics I haven’t seen! -These are in absolutely no particular order -As always, when I say screams I don’t refer to how scary or horrifying they are, I just mean out of 5 stars) -Some of the films in the list are not horror movies. This is because they’ve been banned in various countries, or they contain some very disturbing content or are psychological thrillers with horror tropes. -In some cases, I’ve seen the original/remake of the film on the list but not the one listed and so don’t strike them through -No, these are not all of the horrors i’ve EVER seen.
As there are so many in my book, I haven’t seen them all and I’m not going to rate them all or review them all. I’ll just rate the ones I have seen. So, in no particular order, here we go:
Mother! (2017) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Cannibal Holocaust (1980) ~ 2.5/5 screams
Visitor Q (2001)
A Clockwork Orange (1972) ~ 4.5/5 screams
Rupture (2017) ~ Seeing as I barely remember watching it i’ll say 1.5/5 screams
Pet (2016) ~ I was drunk when I saw this but I remember liking it: 4/5 screams
The Last House on the Left (1972) ~ I’ve only seen the remake of this so far
The Hills Have Eyes (2006) ~ 3.5/5 screams
120 Days of Sodom/Salo (1957) ~ 3/5 screams
Caligula (1979)
Baskin (2015)
Audition (1999) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Funny Games (Remake – 2007) ~ 3.5/5 screams
May (2002)
V/H/S (2012)
August Underground (2001)
Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
31 (2016) ~ 3.5/5 screams
The Void (2017) ~ 3/5 screams
Prevenge (2016)
House of 1,000 Corpses (2003) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Begotten (1990)
Scrapbook (2000) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)
Crimson Peak (2015)
The Devil’s Rejects (2005) ~ 2/5 screams
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Land of the Dead (2005) ~ 1.5/5 screams
Scream (1996) ~ 4/5 screams
The Possession (2012) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Thirst (2009)
I Saw the Devil (2010)
A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
Ringu (1998)
The Eye (2002)
Martin (1978)
My Little Eye (2002)
Red, White and Blue (2010) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Aftermath (1994)
Ichi the Killer (2001)
Mexico Barbaro (2014)
Carnage Park (2016)
Teeth (2007) ~ 2/5 screams
Hellraiser (1987) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Irreversible (2002)
Tokyo Gore Police (2008)
Guinea Pig Series (1-7) (1985-1989)
Taxidermia (2006)
Eat (2014)
The Final Girls (2015) ~ 3/5 screams
Schramm (1993)
Cat Sick Blues (2015)
Hard Candy (2005) ~ 4/5 screams
Dead Girl (2008) ~ 3/5 screams
Victim (2010)
X Gemu (2013)
Missing (2009)
Inside (2007) ~ 1.5/5 screams
Deliverance (1972)
Antichrist (2009)
Videodrome (1983)
The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
Scanners (1981)
Cujo (1983)
The Omen (1976) ~ 4/5 screams
The Fly (1986) ~ 4/5 screams
From Dusk Til’ Dawn (1996)
Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)
Final Destination (2000) ~ 3/5 screams, for what it is it’s good fun
The Girl Next Door (2007) ~ 3/5 screams, solely for acting and being based on a very horrific true story
Them (aka “ils”) (2005)
Compliance (2012) ~ 3/5 screams
Maniac (2012) ~ 3/5 screams
Trick or Treat (2007)
The Orphanage (2007)
Behind the Mask (2006)
Possession (1981)
Grotesque (2009)
Father’s Day (2012)
Slenderman (2018) ~ 0/5 screams ~ Damn, we finally got a zero ya’ll
The Bunny Game (2011)
Veronica (2018)
The Great Ecstasy of Robert Carmichael (2005)
Hereditary (2018)
The Thing (1982) ~ 3/5 screams
Identity (2003) ~ 2/5 screams
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
Dead Silence (2007)
Slither (2006)
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994) ~ 3/5 screams, solely for the concept
Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)
Annabelle: Creation (2017)
Dark Water (2003)
Urban Legends (2007-11)
Piranha 3D (2010) ~ 0/5 screams, second one boys and girl, ooooooh
All of the Halloween franchise (1978-2018) ~ still haven’t seen them all.
Anna and the Apocalypse (2018)
The Possession of Hannah Grace (2018)
Pet Semetary (Remake – 2019)
Heretiks (2018)
Apostle (2018) ~ 2/5 screams
Glass (2019) ~ 2/5 screams, if I were rating James McAvoy alone it would be 5/5
The New Mutants (2019)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
Don’t Look Now (1973)
In the Mouth of Madness (1994)
Under the Shadow (2016)
Pontypool (2008)
Inside (2007)
Re-animator: Directors Cut (1985)
The Fly (Remake – 2019)
Creature of the Black Lagoon (1954)
It (1990) ~ 1/5 screams
The Orphanage (2007)
The Birds (1963)
Wolf Creek (2005) ~ 4/5 screams
The Howling (1981)
The Howling II (1985)
My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Hatchet Series (2006-2017)
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
Annihilation (2018) ~ 3.5/5 screams
The Endless (2018)
Hellraiser: Judgement (2018)
Lowlife (2018)
Downrange (2018)
Goijiam: Haunted Asylum (2018)
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
City of the Living Dead (1980)
Evil Dead (1981)
The Beyond (1981)
Death Proof (2007)
The Dead (2011)
The Horde (2009) ~ 2/5 screams
Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)
Unsane (2018) ~ 3/5 screams
Upgrade (2018)
Ghost Stories (2018) ~ 4/5 screams
The Pack (2013)
Battle Royale (2001)
Society (1989)
Wildling (2018)
Mandy (2018)
Bug (2007)
The Wailing (2016)
Bad Match (2017)
Climax (2018)
Carriers (2009)
Pyewacket (2017)
The Autopsy of Jane Doe (2016) ~ 5/5 screams
Rampo Noir (2005)
Strange Circus (2005)
Gozu (2003)
Shutter (2004)
Three Extremes (2004)
Zombie (1979)
The Wizard of Gore (1970)
Suicide Club (2001)
High Tension (2003)
The Witch (2015)
Happy Death Day (2017) ~ 2/5 screams
Orphan (2009) ~ 3.5/5 screams, it would have been higher but the ending is rubbish, in my opinion.
Cockhammer (2009)
Slasher House (2012)
The Devil’s Music (2008)
Absentia (2011)
Us (2019)
Stalled (1994)
Colin (2008)
The Battery (2012)
I Spit on Your Grave (Remake – 2010) ~ 3/5 screams
I Spit on Your Grave 3 (2015) ~ 2.5/5 screams
All Hallow’s Eve (2013)
Wolf Creek 2 (2014) ~ 3/5 screams
Howl (2015) ~ 3.5/5 screams, I know the special effects are terrible but I just love this film, it’s so very very British.
Splinter (2008) ~ 2.5/5 screams
13 Eerie (2013) ~ 2/5 screams
Jacob’s Ladder (1990)
47 Metres Down (2017) ~ 2/5 screams
A Quiet Place (2018) ~ 3.5/5 screams
Silent House (2011)
We Are What We Are (2013)
Train to Busan (2016) ~ 5/5 screams
We’re Still Here (2015)
Stakeland (2010)
I Spit on Your Grave (1978) ~ 3/5 screams, unpopular opinion: I prefer the remake.
Aliens (1986)
Alien 3 (1992)
Frontiers (2007)
Livid (2011)
Eyes Without a Face (1960)
Terrifier (2016)
The Similiars (2015)
Conjuring Spirit (2015)
Cold Skin (2017)
Murder Party (2007)
Office (2015)
Eremmentari (2017)
The Poughkipsie Tapes (2007)
Lake Mungo (2008)
The Vanishing (2018)
Megan is Missing (2011)
The Last Broadcast (1998)
The Borderlands (2013)
Sightseers (2012)
In Fear (2013)
Wake Wood (2009)
Peeping Tom (1960)
The Hallow (2015)
12 Feet Deep (2017) ~ 2.5/5 screams
Kuso (2017)
ABC’s of Death (2012) ~ 4/5 screams
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Let the Right one in (2008)
Frailty (2001)
Black Christmas (1974)
Zone of the Dead (2010)
Roadkill (2001)
Patchwork (2017) ~ 3/5 screams, sick and stupid but very enjoyable
The Lesson (2016) ~ 2.5/5 screams
Bodies (2016) ~3/5 screams
Sawney – Flesh of Man (2013)
Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero (2014) ~ 2.5/5 screams
Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) ~ 3/5 screams
Baby Blood (1990)
What We Become (2017)
The Corpse of Anna Fritz (2015) ~ 4.5/5 screams
Wilderness (2006)
Cheap Thrills (2014)
Rabies (2010)
Ibiza Undead (2018) ~ 0/5 screams
Ruin Me (2018)
Wither (2012)
Hounds of Love (2017) ~ 4/5 screams
The Untamed (2016)
The Reef (2010) ~ 2/5 screams
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009) ~ 2.5/5 screams
The Gore Gore Girls (1972)
Trouble Every Day (2001)
Mom & Dad (2018)
Ginger Snap (2000)
Noroi: The Curse (2005)
Cold Prey (2006)
The Shrine (2010) ~ 1/5 screams
S0, there we are. My ‘Little Book of Horrors’. All billion of them (253). I’m, currently, on 70/253. How many of this spread have you all seen? Let me know in the comments below and I’ll see you next Friday!
And, in case you’re bored or interested or both – here a a few of the original pages:
A.K.A I had blotted out how much the tendon scene and eye gunge make me squirm. 3.5/5 screams.
SPOILERS AHEAD
England is rainy and gloomy at the moment, which means I have plenty of time to re-watch some classics. Currently I have a Top 10 Eli Roth Movies list in the works but I realised it had been so many years since i’d seen some of his films that it would be unfair to numerically judge them without a second watch. First up, then, is Hostel, the film that really got Roth out there – placing him firmly on a pedestal entitled ‘Gore kings’.
The opening to this monster of a film is very visually uncomfortable, set along eerie whistling and tools clanging in some very blatant foregrounding. Then, wow, everything is suddenly very cheerful and raucous. It’s a weird transition and i’m not entirely sure it does what it’s supposed to. One of my first connections in this, strangely way stronger than the first watch, was sympathy for Josh. He comes across as very awkward, smart and manipulated by the more broody, boisterous two. Suddenly it’s all about excess, I can’t even count how many boobs we see in this serious of films (I should count them). I can’t say that this is a feminist film because, well, it’s just blatantly anti-women. Women are sex objects and evil temptresses in this film. I mean, Eli, what the frick? Who hurt you? How can you hate women when you’re married to Lorenza Izzo? I mean I’d never stop being happy if I were married to that beauty. Anyway, back to the point, when you go into this film please just abandon any ideologies of female empowerment because otherwise you’ll probably throw something at the television.
The blues in the colour scheme during the brothel scene are calm and soothing, set against vigorous sex noises. Interesting dichotomy, I think I like it. The audience certainly is lead to hate Ollie from the outset, he’s just so vulgar and the connection is zilch. I know that’s the point as he’s meant to be disposable as the first one to go. It has natural exposition which I appreciate. I felt very uncomfortable during the pimp scene, again my natural feminist instincts make me want to cry about how reified women are in this piece. All talking about ‘pussy’ and ‘just taking them’. Who are you Ollie? A Scandinavian version of Trump?
Moving away from my tangents, maybe we can pretend this film is about re-appropriating the male gaze but, let’s be honest, it ain’t. The mobiles are hilarious and date the whole film which is quite cute and nostalgic. But the drugging scene was bloody annoying, I mean they could so easily have avoided that. Then, without much warning, GORE GORE GORE EVERYWHERE GORE. Honestly, classic Roth – I always forget how extreme his gore is, so unflinchingly close up as well. Then, ah the classic Achilles tendon scene. It still makes me flinch even now. I also love how the film is essentially a psychological thriller up until the cutting of the eye, gungy puss pouring out in the hole where her eye should be – just don’t eat your dinner during this film, and maybe lay off the popcorn – just saying. Also poor Josh, can we just take a moment to remember Josh – the poor bumbling idiot who, ironically (God you’re sick, Eli) gets his lips stitched together. “I always wanted to be a surgeon”. *Shivers*. The German has this sickening power and the more he talks the creepier he becomes. It’s even sadder when you realise the people using Elite Hunting have children, babies, families, lives. Yet they’re chopping off limbs and burning eyes out of their sockets like an abscess. Also, be careful when operating a heavy duty saw, they seem to not be idiot proof.
The ending: I learnt recently that there was an alternate ending to Hostel, in which the last standing man doesn’t slit the German’s throat in the toilet; instead he sees the German getting off the train with his little daughter, It’s then hinted very loudly that our man kidnaps the girl. Which ending do you think is more satisfying? The bloody, eye for an eye (pardon the mirroring in that) murder or the quieter, more psychological torture? Which is the the best revenge? Honestly though, the ending is so gloomy – it leaves you on a sour note, so I suppose – WARNING: Do not watch if you’re feeling sad…or nauseated.
AKA the first horror film in years that had me on the brink of tears 4/5 screams
SPOILERS AHEAD
Where to even begin with this movie? I mean, blimey…just…damn. I finished it feeling like i’d just witnessed something horrifying and this is a rare feeling for me as I watch so many horrors and disturbing blah that I’m more or less entirely desensitised to gore and guts. So it says great things that this film managed to actually make me feel shocked, tense and very bleary eyed. I also think something so important about this movie is that it doesn’t over-rely on blood and violence, the actual horror of it is the eerie calmness of the destruction.
First of all, I had no idea that it was based on the 1978 Jonestown massacre until after watching, this fact makes it just that much more emotional and painful. But that aside, this film is brilliantly executed. I have to say that found footage horrors are my most hated type of movie – besides, perhaps, teen screams – and yet this film utilised the genre with such elegance. It really adds to the intimacy of the story which, when the mass suicide begins, means you are utterly embroiled in it. Children sipping cyanide from party cups, babies being given poison in syringes, people dying oh so slowly, foaming at the mouth like animals. The two particular moments that truly got to me were Josh comforting Andre as he convulses and begs not to die alone in a close-up, shaky cam. The second was in the cabin, Josh hides as Savannah’s mother rocks her mute child and slits her throat – you hear it too, not a sound you’ll forget in a hurry – whilst telling her to ‘just sleep baby’. Bloody hell, I was on the verge of tears. The raw, gritty camera work and stellar acting makes it just so real. I felt so emotionally connected to the characters that it was purely heart breaking. The writing is just so unafraid, it goes places most mainstream pictures wouldn’t dare to breach – a very bold and effective decision.
Honestly, I can’t quite decide whether I’m glad I watched this or not. I’ve left it with a feeling of unease, which I suppose demonstrates the power of it. Personally, this is now going to be in my top 5 Eli Roth films (even if he was only the producer in this one). Speaking of Roth, watch out for my Top 10 Eli Roth Movies list which i’ll be publishing soon.
Looking through the criticisms of this dense, hair-raising film I notice that a fair few critics thought it was too slow. I have to disagree with this, I have a terrible concentration span and so usually avoid slow-burners but this kept my attention throughout, it instilled such a tense and claustrophobic atmosphere which made it hard to not be all-encompassed by its mood.
Final thoughts: it’s definitely worth a watch but you’ve been warned that it really is disturbing, not visually but emotionally. And, unlike me, don’t make the mistake of then researching the Jonestown massacre and listen to the original, real ‘death tape’. Really, just don’t. Curiosity killed my Wednesday instead of the cat. But both dramatically, thematically and poignantly this is a great watch. Ti West, Eli Roth and the entire production team deserve a teary pat on the back.
Don't Scream 