AKA Make your bleeding mind up:
2/5 screams

SPOILERS AHEAD:

Really I only have myself to blame for this film being my first review as I went off of YouTube comments for the recommendation *sighs*. Basically the trailer for this 2010 Canadian horror is just as bad as the film itself, that should have been my first hint.

The trailer aside, I realised I was going in with zero expectations and, as I research horror most days purely for pleasure, this is rare for me – I usually know the ending or the spec’s or subjective reviews at the very least. I initially noticed how the tone seemed to shift from medieval to modern within a few seconds which was a little disconcerting but I let it slide, instead pondering on whether the low budget camerawork was intentional thematically or not…turns out it really was made on a shoestring so at least the editors managed to leave some doubt about that. Secondly, the introductory dialogue is beyond lazy; the so called ‘row’ between the couple, Carmen and Marcus, seems only to exist as a vehicle for what limited exposition there is and this dusts the conversations with an unrealistic cadence. So, not off to the best of starts with our protagonists. This skirmish is essentially trying to conveyor-belt-rush us into the first jump-scare which I, sadly, admit really did get me so, maybe, it was well designed but if it was it was the only one. The others, though few and far between, also felt rushed and like a second thought – not to mention they were cheesy and hammy without even attempting to have some meta-self-conscious edge or something else that indie-horrors like to promote.

The first scene that I started making any meaningful notes on was the car journey leading up to the fog scene. I enjoyed that the sub-genre of the film kept you guessing in the beginning – I found my mind wondering whether we were dealing with a Blair Witch type of suspense piece or a low budget ‘Hostel’ knock-off or even a follow on to King’s ‘The Mist’. After Carmen and Sarah come tet-a-tet with the worst garden gnome on the planet (can we please also remind Marcus how important the double tap is?) they all get kidnapped fairly successfully. Next we have the “I’m so sorry” scene which, oddly, did actually remind me of Heather’s BWP monologue I randomly used to audition for a theatre group once. In this flick I do think it came out of nowhere and far too early on, not to mention barely heartbeats before Sarah becomes a human pinboard message. I did like her bloodletting scene even if the gore seemed so out of place all of a sudden, purely because of the visuals – the white nightgowns against the deep reds and pales of skin. The gruesome images juxtaposed against the idyllic, if eerie, aesthetic of the outside village. The stripping scene was done well too, actually, it was gritty enough to not be overdone. However, side note: what the actual f**k were those Doctor Who revival-esc monsters with some serious gum disease? The prosthetic work almost had a ‘Hellraiser’, 80’s cult feel to it which did, surprisingly, fit perfectly with the cringey atmosphere.

One of my main issues with this film is that there’s no character development and they’re scarcely even particularly likeable. Nothing is done to make the audience connect with the three leads and the acting is mediocre at best. So this means that you don’t actually care whether they get sacrificed or enucleated which is a mahoosive issue when you think about impact. Moreover it means that the status of the movie itself never rises any higher than the low-budget, half-hearted slasher but without the adrenaline or a ‘Hostel’ rip-off but without the grotesque indulgence of the torture-porn. Back to the one-dimensional characters for a sec, they don’t even seem to have common sense. I felt myself rolling my eyes consistently throughout, “Oh, we should go!” no shit Sherlock! The decisions in this flick are just stupid, if Carmen had listened to Marcus and not followed Lydia – the suspiciously innocent child – then the whole disaster could of being avoided.

Furthermore, I accept that Carmen is meant to be a strong career gal but that is all she is, which kind of endorses the idea that these independent representations of women on screen means they either have to be annoying or hot. Or both. Seriously, i’m not going too deep into this – these characters, besides maybe Marcus, are dumb as paper.

Finally, my last realisation was that this film just could not make it’s bloody mind up about what it wanted to be. Moving from the strange hallucinations of the late-mid-section to the possession scene you suddenly feel like you’re watching ‘The Evil Dead’. So I reckon it’d be more enjoyable for non-horror-buffs because I was just half expecting the cenobites to rock up and half expecting Ash to follow with his chainsaw hand. Then the end comes and BOOM, tubular bells eat your heart out – now it’s ‘The Exorcist’. Seriously, what was this film trying to even be?

Last thoughts: I, sadistically, liked the fact that they weren’t afraid to kill of the kid. So, it may have been a terrible film but it had some guts…get it…*drum beat*. Otherwise it felt dull, uninspired, forgettable and nobody involved – the creation staff or actors – seemed to actually have given a crap about it.