Tokyo Gore Police (2008) Review

AKA A lot, and I mean a bag load of, WTF moments. Spurting blood from every angle and every oriphice, this film is a work of art in the shock for shock’s sake factor department, to an extent that it makes this film very funny yet so disconcerting too. I’m still trying to boggle my brain about what this film was trying to convey.

3.5/5 screams.

SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:

Hello again friends, foes and figments of my imagination. It’s been a while. I finally have my trusty laptop back, and BOY do I have some reviews coming at you. I was hit, like a bird in the sky flying over a large estate house, with a horrid stomach virus and so had a week of watching horror films (as well as a vast number of Netflix shows). It’s been a productive week…ha. But the silver lining is that I have notes for the next five reviews coming at you so yay for my sickly, tired noggin’.

Anyways, let’s delve head first into some serious J-body horror to take our minds off of Brexit, shall we? The dawn of October is nearly upon us and you know what that means, sweets galore and gore galore. I’m actually not a big Halloween fan…I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s an American, pointless import to support commercialisation. BUT I do love eating some weirdly wrapped sweets, turning down the lights, watching a shit tonne of horror movies and getting no judgement for it – people seem to judge me when I’m watching Craven or Kronenberg or James Caan or Tom Six in July. In October, we can get our freak on!

Right off of the bat the opening is odd, it just feels uncomfortable for seemingly unattainable reasons. The backstory is shown well, not forced but also easy enough to understand motives and exposition early on in the narrative. I also enjoyed the camera lingerings on the faces, it adds to the uncomfortable atmosphere. And, damn, if you think the mood and tone are the most uncomfortable things about this film just you wait, just…you…wait. Actually, no, I take that back – don’t destroy your night’s sleep with girls with teeth for nipples, men with pipes for eyes, girls slicing and slicing their own arms (oh, yes, they went there – I’ll get to that!), enough blood spurting out of cut off limbs to last you a lifetime. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Self-harm. We need to talk about self-harm in this movie. I said I’d get to it. Self-harm is an incredibly serious, sensitive and personal problem that affects an awful lot of young people, children, adults and even older adults. It is stigmatised in the media and by word of mouth (not aided by psychiatric reports from the 90’s etc.) and this meant that it is known as a method to gain attention. Whilst this may be true with some people, it is definitely not the general consensus. I don’t mind films dealing with sensitive topics such as this but they have to do it in a manner that respects the issue – this film did the complete opposite. There are scenes of the girl slashing and slashing repeatedly at her own, scarred arm and wrist. It is gruesome, fairly realistic and f***ing unnecessary! It was made in 2008 for Christ’s sake, not the 80’s or 90’s where I could give them a bit of slack for misunderstanding being even worse in those days. I would rate this film so much higher if it weren’t for this issue! Bloody hell film makers, if you’re going there go there with style and pathos and awareness and maybe, even, a little bit of humanity.

Phew, sorry about that tangent. Back to this splatter fest. The overall feel of this film was like Robocop meets the Texas chainsaw massacre meets Brain Dead. It’s a fascinating premise and, in my opinion, actually does a fairly good job of speaking about technology and power, morality and motor, rational and robot. Whether this was the main drive for the, admittedly twisted, writer I don’t know. I haven’t researched the matter because, frankly I need to spend the rest of my night (home alone) looking at puppy videos to cleanse myself of far too much shock-horror. For those of you who don’t know, this, urm, special movie is a body horror slash sci-fi action feast of flesh, the love child of ‘The Fly’ and ‘Kill Bill’ is one way to view it. It follows a policewoman in a futuristic, dystopian version of Tokyo where injuries miraculously become weapons. Yes, weapons. Due to genetic experimentation – it’s always down to shit like this, please guys in the white coats I know we’re all curious as kittens but, please, do us a solid and stop messing with our genomes. Otherwise, well, stuff like this happens. The privitised policeforce hunt down the ‘engineers’ who are a special breed of evil (the ones who grow weapons). And that’s pretty much it for plot, besides Yoshihiro’s revenge mission against the assassin who killed her father. But this film isn’t about plot. It doesn’t need to be. It’s honest and raw about what it is – a shocking, humorous delve into the Lovecraftian extremes of merging with technology. The line where human advancement halts and malfunctioning hybrids begin.
I was curious about what the key shaped tumours could mean symbolically, a key to knowledge, opening doors – technology opens doors, contains wisdom, there are secretive and speculative parts of tech. Maybe it is just a simple key and I need to stop going full ‘English degree’ on it.

The film is rife with little nods to dystopian fiction in general – repetitions of slogans and advertisements like in George Orwell’s seminal ‘1984’, this film has its own type of newspeak and a focus on commercialisation being the death of morality and even the death of rationality. Despite the grotesque nature of this odd little film, it’s impossible to stop watching. You instinctively want to see the next awful, stomach-churning hybrid that these whacko designers came up with. I must admit that the strange, gimp-mask-wrapped, ‘pet’ with machetes for limbs is excellently designed, beautiful in this horrible way that I don’t want to look into any further.

The sex scene is creepy. Got to love the fetishism of innocence. The bottles with the blood spurting into them instead of out of the body is oddly effective. Creepy yet intriguing. The imagery throughout is that concoction, to be honest. Mysterious enough to peak your interest but disgusting enough to make your make strange faces whilst watching it. The ‘Heaven’s Punishment’ necklace is pretty evocative in itself. The music is also a fantastic part of this film’s tension.

One of my particular favourite notes I made whilst watching this: ‘Um, what? Why is he peeling off his own scalp and turning himself into a fountain?’. Haha. Also, this film centres around humans who can instantly grow metal from injuries, out of nowhere, and yet their mobile phones look like they’re from the late 80’s. A part of me thought this may be intentional, some contrast to the advancements. Then again, it’s probably me overthinking again. Oops. Occupational hazard of, well, being alive.

Surrealism is a large part of this film. In visuals, in sounds, in logic. Logic is a dirty tissue thrown out of the window in this mess of organs, tin and (very lightly coloured) blood fountains. The dialogue is actually the most bewildering part of this film for me personally, it’s nonsensical and commercial and intentionally antagonistic. It’s almost assaulting. The ‘Remote Control Exterminate’ is hilarious, I just had to put that somewhere in this review. The dialogue even shifts to poetry in some parts, ‘the snow of death falls and accumulates.’ The overhead voices singing bizarre sentences that would make Edward Lear jealous – ‘Older brother licked me so my eye has a sty’. *Shudders*. Seriously, how much acid were the writers on?

You do have to hand it to the design team, the make-up department, the amount of hours sat in chairs having gruesome body mods plastered all over you. Back to the creatures, the scene that had me saying ‘what?’ the most was the half human half chair – yes, you did read that correctly – pissing on strangers, followed swiftly by a girl with teeth for nipples biting a man’s penis off. You see the crudely amputated penis just kinda flop on the floor. It’s bound to make most men wince and cross their legs. And, just in case it doesn’t, they’re a second penis amputation scene. Two for one. I personally thought it was hilarious. There’s some serious girl power in this movie. Another very integral part of this film is its cultural heritage – anime esc. production and bizarre scenes such as a girl with alligator jaws for a vagina, of course – only in Japan, folks, only in Japan.

Overall this film is assaulting, strange, funny, bewildering, metaphorical and intriguing. A fun film – if you enjoy bizarre body horror – with some important underlying messages. I enjoyed it, I got cross with it, I laughed with it. Just watch it and you’ll understand why it’s actually rather hard to summarise in a few sentences. Go watch it and you’ll understand. Or save yourself a headache and don’t. Your move, boss.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies (2013) Review

AKA a very stupid, yet perversely enjoyable celebration of zombies and Britishness. Although it is basically a shitter version of ‘Shaun of the Dead’.
2.5/5 screams.

SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:

Here we are, the last horror comedy I’ll be reviewing for, hopefully, a while. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed changing the sort of horrors that I instinctively punt for; but I have predominantly been reminded about why I never had much time for this sub-genre. In my experience, they seem to try to hard yet somehow, paradoxically, be underdeveloped and steer more towards yawn-fests than straight up, shaken not stirred, horrors or comedies.

But that’s by the by. This Matthias Hoene, boisterous zombie flick basically does what it says on the tin and never seems to extend any higher than the material used in the trailer. The laughs certainly don’t seem to surpass then scene involving Richard Briars’ character – oh, how the mighty have fallen – utilising only a slow moving zimmerframe to evade the bloodthirsty undead. Granted, this scene was comedy gold but lost all the magic and spontaneity necessary for such a sketch to really hit the high notes because it was such a focal hook in the trailer. That, an aged Pussy Galore and a spirited Michelle Ryan are the main titbits that grab you from the trailer. That may be one of the best sentences that has ever left my noggin’. Also, Pussy Galore in a zombie movie? Is this something I, unknowingly, desperately needed in my life?

A few tangents later, we’ll get into some tangible points that I actually made notes on. Eventually. I was, ignoring my better instincts, quite excited about this film (I know I say that a lot, for a cynic). Despite the fact that it has been staring at me from the abyss that is Netflix for several years. But I was excited for a gritty, exuberant and unflinchingly British, zombie horror that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Granted, this is exactly what I got – I suppose some points should be handed to it for living up to expectations. The sad thing is that it could have been so much more if it hadn’t been lazy about it, It could easily have ranked up there with ‘Zombieland’ and ‘Shaun of the Dead’. yet it does fall short, primarily because, well, it’s not that funny.

She is pretty badass, you have to admit.

The premise is simple. A group of Cockney runarounds attempt a pretty amateur bank robbery which happens to coincide with the collapse of the East End as it fills up with animated corpses. Corpses that still seem to maintain gang mentalities and football hooliganry… why not? I did appreciate that some of the zombies were little more than disintegrating skeletons. It’s a big pet peeve of mine that so many zombie blockbusters have these plump, human-looking cadavers despite the natural processes that would disrupt their physicality such as starvation, muscle deterioration, lack of blood supply etc. (Although – these are new zombies so i’m unsure how much dystrophy would actually have taken place. Frankly, if we’re going super scientific – if rigor mortis were setting in…how are they moving? And, now my head explodes). Moving swiftly on before I have an aneurysm, these sorts of zombies are less intimidating than the fleshy, quick boys and gals but there is more of a hint of realism about the decomposition which I appreciate. This decaying subgroup hark back to the sort of 80’s cult walkers like in ‘Return of the Living Dead’.

I did really enjoy the gore in this film, it was effective without being corny, overtly grotesque nor laughable. My only problem with it is that, I think, there should have been more focus on the gore. Seeing as the film itself is self-awarely pretty low budget and low quality therefore I think it could have benefited from being more visceral, more intuitive and grittier. One aspect I think that nailed the plucky and mettlesome tone is the dialogue. The writers did a bang up job making the dialogue humorously hyperbolic yet still maintain an interesting cultural integrity that I liked. Screw the idea of swish Brits with RP accents, sipping tea out of bone china cups with extended pinkies! You want to know what England is really like? This! Intense swearing, twats in backwards caps, drunken shouting in pubs that always seem to have at least one old ‘geezer’ sat at the bar, sounding like an incoherent farmer. Oh and an awful lot of ripping the living shit out of each other (pun very much intended). Really, take a few lines for example: ‘You yuppy twat’, ‘let’s fuck up some fuckers’. Welcome to London, ‘fuckers’.

I found a lot of the nuances funnier than the outright mayhem, like how rapidly and calmly they accept that it’s a friggin’ zombie apocalypse. I think it’s take me a few more minutes to adjust. One other stand out scene that was pretty entertaining is how the jaw of the zombie just locks onto the man’s arm like a decapitated pitbull. Strangely, details like this are biologically fairly realistic but then there are bits and bobs that are so far away from any sense of realism that they may as well be the love children of Tinkerbell and Freddie Kruger. For example, unless you’ve somehow slipped into a Kronenberg creature feature, it would never be possible to decapitate somebody with your bare hands.

Final notes: Moral of the story = Guns are great, kids!
also…can we just mentioned the fact that the guy drop kicks a baby. You…ugh, don’t see that everyday?

Overall, I guess the easiest summary for me to put forward is that it’s a bit of fun. Don’t take it too seriously, don’t expect it to forever change you with some existential reason for being. It’s exactly what you should expect from it – it’s Cockneys and zombies. Bish bash bosh. Now, don’t you want to book your holidays to come see drizzly ole’ England? You don’t? Huh.

‘Truth or Dare’ (2018) Review

AKA a run of the mill teen scream, annoying, (secretly) enjoyable and annoying – oh, I already said annoying? Exactly.

1.5/5 Screams

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Hello strangers, first of all I have to say a very big, scary SORRY. I’ve been a terrible blogger lately and my only excuse for being MIA for the past few weeks is that I’ve been immersed in writing my novel which I have, finally, cracked. So It’s been all about the book and so blogging had to take a back seat. But, in between planning and plotting and scribbling, I did have time to watch three horrors. So, without further adieu, here’s the first.

Looking back at the notes I made on this 2018 horror is pretty amusing, I wrote ‘Oh, come on!’ and ‘What?’ multiple times. In CAPS LOCK, no less – so ya know I was really unimpressed.

I’d seen the trailer for this one several times as it was fairly intensely marketed as the new big one to see in the cinemas. The trailer had stuck it in my brain but without any lasting impression, apart from the plastic-lined, stretched out grins that reminded me of the masks in ‘The Purge’.

The beginning is intriguing, nothing remarkable nor terrifying, cliche jump scares and predictable violence. Basically, it starts like any run of the mill teen scream. One of the first things that struck me was the milking of the selfie culture in this film. It’s infuriating and, if anything, conveys the target audience as pretty young preteens. I suppose this film would be okay as a first watch, an initiation into the horror scene for thirteen year olds, but not for people who can identify any tropes or classic scenes that are common in horror. Not to mention the fact that these characters act like they’re fifteen or so, highschoolers at the most, rather than university students – not that i’m saying all university students are the epitome of maturity. Believe me when I tell you that that’s far from the truth. But the characters in this flick would definitely have suited a senior school setting more than university. Especially as the cheap jump scares really are just that, cheap and foreseeable.

Another note that, looking back makes me laugh as i’m so picky, is that some of the exposition and backstory are just lazily implanted into the film. For example, we find out that the protagonist’s best friend’s dad committed suicide through the line (from what I can remember) ‘since dad killed himself’ or something of the sort. This is just unrealistic dialogue, the characters know how he died; the only reason to be mentioning it in that way is to tell the audience. Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s almost as bad as going: ‘Oh yeah, i’ve been feeling really terrible since dad died of complications from puerperal fever from the…….’. Ugh. Read your dialogue back people!!!

One thing I was curious about in this film is what its point is. Is this just a synthetic, cheap Halloween watch or is there a larger theme? I thought perhaps the whole thing could be an allegory for peer pressure but that may be my English student over-analysis!?!?

Another stand alone note that made me laugh in my notebook: ‘Neck break = Lol but good’. My bullet points are very eloquent, right? Who did the bloody dialogue again – ‘I looked like a Snapchat filter’. Seriously? Again, they’re talking like children. It’s infuriating and because they’re such bland characters you don’t actually care when any of them kick the bucket, thus rendering the entire film emotionally uninteresting and severing any connection with the audience that’s more powerful than ‘Oh, look – he snapped his neck on a pool table. Shame’. Another bone I have to pick with this film is less to do with this film in particular and more to do with the entire sub-genre of teen screams. Specifically, the gaslighting involved. The classic is the main character realises there’s some supernatural forces at work or a serial killer on the loose and everyone around her makes her/him feel like they’re going insane and it’s all in their head. And, quite honestly, this trope is neither effective nor appropriate anymore. It’s just dull and, not to get on my feminism high horse or anything, but this tends to happen to female MC’s more than male. Just my humble opinion.

My second high horse to clamber up onto is to do with the way Penelope’s character is explored, she’s referred to as ‘day-drinking Penelope’. STOP USING ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH AS A LAUGHING POINT! Jeesh, this does my head in in these movies. It’s one thing to romanticise binge drinking and recreational drug abuse but to actively use it as a comedic character arc without exploring it any further than the surface is another. Please, directors and writers, just stop using these serious issues as comedy.

Moreover, the characterisation in general is just meh. None of them are likeable, interesting or more than just obvious cliches. Marki (also, who the hell is called Mar-k-i?) is selfish, Olivia is nothingy and bland etc. And realism is shoved aside with the dust and the lint, for example – nobody would be able to talk even somewhat rationally after over a litre of vodka downed like water. Her death is also infuriating. One plus, this film has a surprisingly okay sex scene – despite the fact that Lukas literally tells Olivia he doesn’t love her whilst he’s still inside, I mean…wow – for what is otherwise a seemingly PG13+ movie.

Final point: Sky Cinema rated this movie 1.5/5 stars and I can seriously see why. The ending was just like the rest of the movie, obvious, unintelligent, easy; leaving me exclaiming to my dog, ‘Oh for f’s sake, come on!’.

Movie Review: The Perfection (2019)

AKA ‘Well that came out of nowhere, didn’t it?’
4/5 screams.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I thought i’d get this review out of my system whilst I can still remember my natural reactions to this latest release of Netflix’s homegrown horrors. Funnily enough this was one of the films that made me realise how much I wanted to start this blog. So, manners remembered, thank you Richard Shepherd for your inspiration. After ‘The Babysitter’, ‘Annihilation’, ‘The Open House’, ‘Before I Wake’ amongst others which compile the very mixed bag I had my doubts but tried to go in with an open mind anyhow.

Despite initial concerns about the ambiguous premise and trailer, on one Sunday morning I wrestled in bed with a delightful hangover. Downing orange juice like there was no tomorrow and cuddling into a fort made of pillows, I saw this film pop up on Netflix. I looked the trailer up in my fugue and, in hindsight, I now have very mixed feelings about the scene they chose for the promotional video. I think it was a very clever hook and certainly gripping but it was also such an important crux of the whole twisted journey that I think it may have been worth keeping it back in the arsenal. But maybe that’s just me.

One thing I loved about this movie was how multilayered its sub-genre identification is. Half of it was this shadowy, psychological thriller yet there were elements of body horror in there. The latter part of this artistic, paranoid tapestry even morphs into a revenge film. Instead of, as discussed in my review of ‘The Shrine’, getting lost in the chaos of different tropes it instead picks and chooses very certain and deliberate themes from each sub-genre without muddying the tone.

Honestly the atmosphere of this film is superb. Erotic, tense, bloody, twisted and oh so moody. The reds and beauty of the colour scheme transforms it into something elegant and wrong, something you know you shouldn’t be loving but you really are.

We can’t talk about ‘The Perfection’ without talking about the acting. There wasn’t one character I didn’t believe and didn’t have some sort of relationship with, even if it was revulsion or fear. The sexual connection in the beginning between the two female protagonists is beautiful and sensual and perfectly delicate. Now that is a sign of fantastic writing and production. The cherry on the cake was the music, these stunning eerie violins and cellos, you can almost taste the anxiety of being perfect in each piece.

Then, before I stop gushing over this film, the ending was an absolute grenade to the guts. I didn’t see it coming in the slightest, it was messy and perfectly balanced between shocking visuals, disgust and sympathy yet distracted by how stunning the music is.

Seriously, if you haven’t seen this film go and watch it now – it’s this darkly witty, sharp, sexy and stunningly captured expression of desire, abuse, self-esteem and even, somehow, morality. So clever. I plan on watching it again over the coming weeks and possibly doing a video review.

So what did you guys think about ‘The Perfection’? Do you agree with me or do you think it was trying too hard to be different, trying to be a piece of art rather than a film? Let me know in the comments.

Otherwise, don’t scream, see you next time.