AKA using the franchise as a hook and then ignoring everything fans loved from the original movies.
I was beyond excited when I heard that they were bringing back a trashy franchise that lives close to my heart – Wrong Turn. In 2003 audiences were introduced to the sexy blood baths, the unbelievably messed up ways people die, and a family of insane, inbred cannibals. I freaking love this franchise. I remember watching one of them for the first time around Christmas time, and I was just so immersed in the gore and effects and black comedy of it all. The low production adds to the shaky-cam, student-lead atmosphere. And if it weren’t for plenty of inventive kills, Wrong Turn would have been a much less popular franchise. You take away the gore and you’re left with idiotic cannibals and sex-obsessed teens wandering around the woods.
But, and it breaks my stone cold heart, THIS WAS NOT WRONG TURN FOLKS! This movie had the audacity to utilise the title of Wrong Turn as bait and then hit you with some strange love child of ‘The Ritual’ and ‘Slenderman’. I was so disappointed, I was waiting for my cannibal hillbillys to pop up and slash up some topless teens, but nope. This film is not ‘Wrong Turn’ so if you even want to watch this piece of crap please go into the (ha, not cinema anymore) living room with an open mind and tell yourself it has nothing to do with the franchise. Honestly, if I hadn’t seen title I would have had no idea this movie had anyyyy connections to the franchise.
Main point of advice: Do not watch this movie thinking it is Wrong Turn.
Also, I’m sorry but, what is with the young, gorgeous people. They jog and shit, I can barely get up my flight of stairs without needing an inhaler.
The whole production of the movie felt so far removed from the previous films, the lighting and camerawork are less gritty and comedic which was what made the first films so enjoyable. The traps aren’t as gory or as intelligent, or even as sadistically funny. Although i’ll allow the snake pit, that was a pretty good one.
One of my main issues with this fraud of a movie is that the film goes from nought to one hundred very quickly, we have no character building or tension building. I mean I wasn’t expecting a tonne of character developments but just a little bit.
Slight question for the main characters though…How can four teenagers get their phones stolen without even one of them noticing their TikTok hasnt pinged in a while of something,
Overall it was about humans, a cult. Yes, cults are scary and I admire the eyeless people as that was a shocking image (but the only one in the whole run time), Once again it just ISN’T WRONG TURN.
Sighs, the ending is even more infuriating. I wanted to slap the woman.
AKA a tepid creature feature rehash that left me bored, annoyed and surprised – surprised that it got an 82% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a 75% audience score. I was also left with a bitter aftertaste of confusion – how did the same guy behind the fantastic ‘Don’t Breathe’ have made this forgettable frolic into a Florida hurricane.
2/5 Screams
MATURE CONTENT AND SPOILERS AHEAD:
I had high hopes for this summer alligator romp, having loved Sam Raimi’s first delve into the mysterious world of gritty, postmodern psychological horror. But, I was already doubtful about how captivating it was going to prove to be because it seemed to give every single important event in the story line away in the bloody trailer. And I mean everything.
For those of you unfamiliar, this film follows a young woman called Hayley – we learn she is a struggling child swimming prodigy, lazy foreshadowing if you ask me, along with ‘apex predator’, wince – who tries to track down her father in amongst a vicious Florida storm. She tries to find her Dad as her street floods and suddenly alligators have infested their crawl space. The next 87 minutes are just man vs predator. There’s no real intelligence to their survival, no passion seemed to be injected into this project. It came across as if the producers and creators were themselves bored whilst making it.
Side note: Kaya Scloderio really doesn’t suite blonde. The whole film lacks pzazz, creativity and inspiration. There’s no real gore nor jump scares. The CGI is pretty good but the alligators are just hurdles, minor bumps in this pointless story. There’s barely even any characterisation or connection with the father and daughter – they could have done so much with that relationship and tugged at the heartstrings, but they didn’t. They just made them somewhat estranged and aw now they’re all patched up, I mean he had to lose an arm for that but okay.
The attention to detail wasn’t even very good, for example: she would have winced when lowering her very injured leg into the water. And her CPR on her dad at the end is far too fast. Honestly, the scariest part of this film is the horde of spiders crawling – ha, double meaning – all over her face. Nope, nope. My worst nightmare – give me hungry ‘gators any day. The deaths such as Wayne don’t rouse any reaction from the audience because, you guessed it, we’ve seen it all in the trailers. Her arm being bitten? In the trailer. Wayne’s death? In the trailer. Baby gators? You get the picture. Her trapped in the shower with a gator? In the trailer. I could go on.
My lasting impression once the credits rolled to the hilarious ‘See ya’ later alligator’ was that this film was a waste of time, good thing it was short. And…I really have nothing else to say because this film as so bland it was like Rivita crackers trying to be bruschetta. Sorry, Raimi – try better next time. My question for you guys is: would you rather be trapped in a house with a blind, serial killing psycho (all I have to say is turkey baster… yuck) OR trapped in a rapidly flooding house with a group of alligators hunting you? Let me know in the comments below:))
AKA a boring film with a boring premise, boring characters and…nope, f**k this, I’m too bored to even write a witty intro. 0.5/5 Screams.
MATURE CONTENT & SPOILERS AHEAD
Oh, Netflix, what would I do without your constant influx of mediocre-at-best horrors? Hello, all, happy end of Summer (it won’t stop bloody raining here). I’ve been MIA due to my laptop kicking the proverbial bucket, twice just to toy with me. We can take a moment of silence later.
Due to the premature departure of my Lenovo, I had the joy of watching this trashy film on the 2×4 screen of my phone. But, honestly, I’m unsure a high definition seventy inch would make this film any better to experience. It’s lazy, uninventive and poorly conceived. The main thing that deeply just pissed me off about this movie is that it’s been done one hundred trillion times, there is no credibility and nothing new. It’s just yet another identical teen slasher. This begs the question…what the bloody hell is the point? What is the point in rehashing every other sub-par teen scream that doesn’t even bother to make the gore worth staying for. What a waste of money.
Speaking of unoriginal content, within the first three minutes of the first scene we’re hit with our first cliche. Really I should have spent the duration of this film just counting the cliches. ‘It’s not funny’, I feel like I should have tried to play teen scream bingo dialogue, why do these teens always come across so hard done by and thus are made to seem superficial in their emotions. I hate it when all films do this, utilise stereotypes about adolescents in order to somehow diminish their status or intellectual worth. And, of course, the bloody nursery rhyme whistling. At least this scene had the advantage of being so early on that I had hopes it could translate into some meta-commentary which – it didn’t. Or if it did it was used as a poorly constructed excuse for why this film suckssssssssss.
other first impressions: !!! The lighting is so dark, the saturation needs to be hella turned up ladies and gents !!! Boredddd !!! No real gore, no interesting foreshadowing and sluggish, dull tension building !!! Is that the girl from S3 of ‘Thirteen Reason Why?’ … nope, never mind. !!! The young girl looks like Naomi Campbell pre-botulism !!! A very easy watch, if it manages to grab your attention for five minutes then congratulations, you have the attention span of a fruit fly with narcolepsy. !!! The villain’s mask is fairly eerie, I’ll give them that
‘Pop goes the weasel’…lucky bastard, shoot me too. Seriously, writers? Three hetero-normative couples? At least killing off the love interest first was an interesting choice and the final girl being alone on the ride compared to the two couples is relateable on a deep level. It says a fair amount about the film that I got past the halfway mark and knew one out of five of the protagonists’ names. Also, why the heck make this film an 18 certificate? There’s hardly any gore or violence, the ennuculation scene was the only real piece of gore. Surely the only thing to strive for with this sort of B horror flick is to make it bloody, make it stupid and light, make it the kind of gross, ‘Wizard of Gore’ shit that preteens watch on Halloween. But this doesn’t even bother to do that! It somehow manages to completely ignore all the audience brackets it should be marketing to.
Main character: “We’re going to Spain!” ha, ha, haha – Nah, baby, you ain’t. At the worst you’;; becomes a very maroon ice cream sundae and at the best you’re going to need some serious therapy. I do like the hair drying scene though.
Lastly, before I go cry into a pillow that this was an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back, even the continuity in this film is shite. When the MC is on the toilet and the camera cuts from bird’s eye view to something else, then back again. One frame shows that the toilet paper holder has paper on it, the next shows and empty roll. Boooo. Plus she doesn’t even pee whilst on the toilet, got a UTI, hunny?
AKA a ‘Little’ bit boring. Evil? Really? He’s like a frigging puppy at the end. And…and…and this film got 92% on Rotten Tomatoes?…I just…what? 1.25/5 screams
SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD:
I had somewhat high hopes for this movie. I remember it being released and the trailer looked promising, but it has sat in my ‘WatchList’ for over two years so, read into that what you will about the premise and the trailer. Honestly, anything was going to be better than the 9 minutes we gave ‘Scary Movie 3’ which was utterly, holy, yawnably (is that a word?) crap. Just pure crap. So anything, anything had to be better….right?
First impressions: the parallels in both the colour schemes and the dialogue are initially pretty interesting. For example; the mother shouting “Time out” and the husband latterly stating “I want a divorce”. Both of these statements have huge impact behind them, yet they’re stoic, to the point, blunt – short sentences with fists behind them. I thought this was clever. Moreover, the colour schemes were very well thought out – visually pleasing. Dark at the start, bright and cheerful afterwards. Everybody’s clothes are plain, unadulterated. There’s something eerie about that, to be honest. Maybe that’s just me. Lucas, throughout the film, is coloured darker than everyone around him. Whether it’s clothing, clouds behind him etc. This sort of breaks when he’s at the fair with the step-dad. Even his eyes seem brighter, thus by comparison the beginning looks far darker than you think.
Seeing
Adam Scott being genuine and not saying something sarcastic and deadpan is
strange, I keep expecting there to be a punchline but that expectation never
really comes because this film, frankly, is not funny.
The
shift in pacing every now and then is effectively jarring.
Quotes that did make me laugh: ~ “I just love the smell of an old nunnery” ~“God never gives you more than you can handle” ~ NO NO NO, I cannot stand this quote – Just, no, I’m sorry if you put this in your film with serious intentions I will hate it. -_- ~ The therapist is hilariously accurate: “I see…Hmm” ~ also the Newton’s cradle is very effective for building the tension. ~ “The way they’re paying teachers these days i’m not surprised”
There
are little meta hints of connections to ‘The Omen’, ‘The Shining’,
‘Poltergeist’ and, I think (please correct me) ‘The DaVinci Code’. You get
points if you can tell me the links between these films and ‘Little Evil’ are.
-The Omen: Lucas’ hair and clothing, the camera focuses sometimes, direct eye
contact.
-The Shining: the two (blonde) twins in blue dresses, the puppet seems to be a
variation on Tony
-Poltergeist: communication through the TV – darkness except from static, focus
on clowns
-The DaVinci Code: The man lacerating himself with a whip ~ self-flagellation
The
worm scene was pretty gross, I’ll give the film that. Question: Why the hell is
there a fully operational bar at a children’s sixth birthday party? I know
kid’s parties suck but jesus, at least hide it in a water bottle of sumthin!
“Want to play?” did make me jump. But the humour throughout the
film is very hit and miss, almost like it was added at the last minute – they
just thought about ripping of somebody else’s story but adding a few shitty
comedy scenes. Also, the wife is sooo dumb.
My
overall impression: boring, so boring I was just waiting for it to end. Eek,
sorry Rotten Tomatoes – we’ll have to agree to disagree!
So,
i’m leaving horror-comedies alone for the time being (after I publish my review
of ‘Cockney’s Vs Zombies’) phew! What binge should I do next? Let me know what
you think in the comments or tweet me! I like a good twittering.
AKA me being somewhat befuddled by how much I love this movie.
3.5/5 Screams SPOILERS AHEAD
Hello fellow ghouls. Despite this blog being more for my benefit than anyone else’s, I’ll apologise (again, oops) for neglecting this blog lately. It’s been half because of my novel and half because of the gorgeous heatwave hitting drizzly ole’ Britain at the moment – I’ve been relishing every second of it.
Funnily enough, I have actually watched and made notes on about five or six horrors over the past weeks but just haven’t got around to writing them up. So, today – ignoring the sunshine beckoning me through my window – I thought i’d choose one. I decided to do a re-watch review because sometimes watching these films multiple times, you really do both watch and internalise them all very differently each time and notice bits and pieces that otherwise go over your head.
For today’s post, I chose a film that I discovered about eight months or so ago. I was bored one evening and was scrolling through Amazon prime, I found this movie – watched the trailer, realised it looked fairly low budget and perhaps a bit trashy but it was evidently very – aesthetically and tonally – British and sometimes I love me a good movie with OTT Britishness involved. The first time I watched it, I fell in love with it. I’m unsure why exactly, the make-up isn’t very good, the acting is varied, the storyline is basic and patchy and the ending is pretty annoying. For all intents and purposes this film should not work, yet it so indulgent, so claustrophobic and so stupidly enjoyable. No surprise that it has this oppressive and cramped atmosphere exists in this movie, seeing as it comes from the creator of ‘The Descent’ which is a fantastic movie. Knowing this, you can see the parallels between the two films – both playing on the natural, human survival instincts and fears of being trapped in confined spaces with no escape. It actually reminds me of ‘Train to Busan’ in some ways, although that is one of my all time favourite zombie movies and it starkly better than this film in many ways.
Let me take on the ride through the narrative – i’m very sorry for that pun, I can do better. We follow a train conductor in England on a night train with a handful of passengers, most of whom aren’t particularly likeable or explored much before they’re picked off one by one by a horde of werewolves. That’s it. A thirteen year old could write that synopsis. So why does this film work so well? Because it’s very self-aware, it knows that it’s corny and a guilty pleasure and runs with it. If it was trying to be something it very clearly isn’t then it almost definitely would not work as well as it does.
For some reason, don’t judge me, I have a crush on most of the characters (besides the old couple, obviously) and I have no idea why. One is actually, oddly, the spitting image of my favourite university lecturer. Maybe that’s why I fancy him – no shame. Anyway, I digress. In the beginning there seems to be a strange reliance of casual workplace sexism and harassment just to move the plot forwards and i’m unsure how I feel about that. Also early on, there’s a comical foreshadowing with the dog under the seat and, admittedly, even after having seen it before, it still made me jump. I’m losing my touch. The tone and dialogue is very heavy on the realism and I appreciate this, it makes it both more relatable – who doesn’t know the frustration of being stuck on a late night train? – and easier to get lost in. The full moon at the beginning makes me smirk, got to love a nicely implanted cliche, am I right? I also think it’s pretty clever to make the driver seem kind and likeable in only one line of dialogue before killing him off to grab the best effect.
BUT, and here comes the fun bit – ripping a film I love to shreds, there are a fair few plot holes in this film. First of all, surely the conductors have radio connections back to traffic controllers and security? Would they not somehow figure out how to call for help? The make-up really is s**t, the werewolf on the poster is better than the actual design. Granted the gore is pretty decent but you just can’t look at the werewolves without a little giggle. Even their claws are stupid looking. Thirdly, what on earth was that toilet cubicle made from? Cardboard? The dialogue was also much cheesier on the second watch than I remembered it being first time round. Moreover, I watched this again with my Dad, and it says little for the writing that he guessed everything before it happened – I suppose it’s objectively more predictable than I thought. A couple of last things: Matt’s death is fundamentally stupid, Jenny’s movements when she transitions are hilarious, the female conductor barely even jogs away from the forest at the end despite Joe having just offed himself for her survival. And, I saved the biggest for last, how on any level of horror existence, folklore or mythical tales are these werewolves STILL werewolves when the full moon disappears and morning comes around. Is this some new strain of werewolfism (is that a word? It should be)?
A few last notes on this strangely entertaining and replayable film: some of the triggers to move the plot along are very obvious. Take the first death of the central characters for example, the girl with no name – side note: good decision to not give her a name, it certainly added some pathos where otherwise you wouldn’t really care that she’s dead cause she was annoying af – it’s fairly blatant that she’ll die first, as she is shown bonding with blondie shortly beforehand and, sure this could just be some final attempts at connection before they all bite the bullet (told you my puns would get better) but it’s short and when she gets dragged from the vestibule you kind of think to yourself ‘oh, that’s why’. Another side note: Wow do they love overkill in this movie. Like, Jesus – calm down you little psychopaths, it’s dead as a dodo. Most of the deaths are okay, until the ending where they all seem to be rushed and meh – except from when cheating-McDickface boots blondie from the carriage to buy himself time, I will never forgive him for that (even if I do find him very attractive, don’t even ask). She had a little daughter you absolute scumbag. Also, poor Zach or whatever his name was – he was a good cookie. Finally, Joe really doesn’t get enough credit in this film. He literally sacrifices himself for somebody he barely has more than a crush on, it also helps that Ed Speleer’s acting is pretty darn good.
Funnily enough, this film gained a 62% on Rotten Tomatoes yet really did not go down well with fans. Personally, I recommend this film if you’re bored, want a fun ride without having to concentrate or worry too much about caring for the characters. Indulge in the utter Britishness of it and don’t try to make it anything that it isn’t, is my advice. I wonder whether it would have the same appeal to other nations because the aesthetics and humour might not translate across cultures. Have you seen this flick anywhere outside of the UK? How did you respond to it?
A.K.A I had blotted out how much the tendon scene and eye gunge make me squirm. 3.5/5 screams.
SPOILERS AHEAD
England is rainy and gloomy at the moment, which means I have plenty of time to re-watch some classics. Currently I have a Top 10 Eli Roth Movies list in the works but I realised it had been so many years since i’d seen some of his films that it would be unfair to numerically judge them without a second watch. First up, then, is Hostel, the film that really got Roth out there – placing him firmly on a pedestal entitled ‘Gore kings’.
The opening to this monster of a film is very visually uncomfortable, set along eerie whistling and tools clanging in some very blatant foregrounding. Then, wow, everything is suddenly very cheerful and raucous. It’s a weird transition and i’m not entirely sure it does what it’s supposed to. One of my first connections in this, strangely way stronger than the first watch, was sympathy for Josh. He comes across as very awkward, smart and manipulated by the more broody, boisterous two. Suddenly it’s all about excess, I can’t even count how many boobs we see in this serious of films (I should count them). I can’t say that this is a feminist film because, well, it’s just blatantly anti-women. Women are sex objects and evil temptresses in this film. I mean, Eli, what the frick? Who hurt you? How can you hate women when you’re married to Lorenza Izzo? I mean I’d never stop being happy if I were married to that beauty. Anyway, back to the point, when you go into this film please just abandon any ideologies of female empowerment because otherwise you’ll probably throw something at the television.
The blues in the colour scheme during the brothel scene are calm and soothing, set against vigorous sex noises. Interesting dichotomy, I think I like it. The audience certainly is lead to hate Ollie from the outset, he’s just so vulgar and the connection is zilch. I know that’s the point as he’s meant to be disposable as the first one to go. It has natural exposition which I appreciate. I felt very uncomfortable during the pimp scene, again my natural feminist instincts make me want to cry about how reified women are in this piece. All talking about ‘pussy’ and ‘just taking them’. Who are you Ollie? A Scandinavian version of Trump?
Moving away from my tangents, maybe we can pretend this film is about re-appropriating the male gaze but, let’s be honest, it ain’t. The mobiles are hilarious and date the whole film which is quite cute and nostalgic. But the drugging scene was bloody annoying, I mean they could so easily have avoided that. Then, without much warning, GORE GORE GORE EVERYWHERE GORE. Honestly, classic Roth – I always forget how extreme his gore is, so unflinchingly close up as well. Then, ah the classic Achilles tendon scene. It still makes me flinch even now. I also love how the film is essentially a psychological thriller up until the cutting of the eye, gungy puss pouring out in the hole where her eye should be – just don’t eat your dinner during this film, and maybe lay off the popcorn – just saying. Also poor Josh, can we just take a moment to remember Josh – the poor bumbling idiot who, ironically (God you’re sick, Eli) gets his lips stitched together. “I always wanted to be a surgeon”. *Shivers*. The German has this sickening power and the more he talks the creepier he becomes. It’s even sadder when you realise the people using Elite Hunting have children, babies, families, lives. Yet they’re chopping off limbs and burning eyes out of their sockets like an abscess. Also, be careful when operating a heavy duty saw, they seem to not be idiot proof.
The ending: I learnt recently that there was an alternate ending to Hostel, in which the last standing man doesn’t slit the German’s throat in the toilet; instead he sees the German getting off the train with his little daughter, It’s then hinted very loudly that our man kidnaps the girl. Which ending do you think is more satisfying? The bloody, eye for an eye (pardon the mirroring in that) murder or the quieter, more psychological torture? Which is the the best revenge? Honestly though, the ending is so gloomy – it leaves you on a sour note, so I suppose – WARNING: Do not watch if you’re feeling sad…or nauseated.
Don't Scream 